There is nothing sensible about Jaguar's new super saloon - but is it just an £80,000 souped-up Mondeo?

 Power, power and more power is the Jaguar XFR-S's calling card. There is simply oodles of the stuff

Jaguar XFR-S                                            ★★★★★

I was so close to attaining my motorbike licence a few years ago.
What happened? The day before the test I phoned to cancel.


I was scared, simple as that. Not of failing but of what might happen if I passed. Born-again bikers are a dangerous breed (mostly to themselves) and I suddenly thought, ‘what the heck am I doing?’

At the time, I still had a current helicopter licence, so it wasn’t like I needed a way to get away from it all...
Motorbikes are not a remotely controlled vehicle like a car. Turn the wheel in your family saloon and around the bend she goes.
Forget to lean your spanking new Triumph at the right moment on the way home from the showroom and it could be goodnight Vienna before a single fly has had the chance to commit hara-kiri on your visor. And so, what of the born-again boy racer?
Cue the ‘mad’ Jaguar XFR-S. Ah, Jaguar, you’re back. And this time we can be friends, I hope. I still feel bad about my blind date with the much heralded F-Type.

I would tell you more about the interior (carbon, leather and a chunky steering wheel teetering on the brink of obese), but that's not what this car's about

As you may remember, I had a major issue with what I saw as her claim to be a descendent of the legendary E-Type, but I’ve now downgraded my ire to only mild outrage.
The counsellor says it’s OK for us to move on. Especially as we now have this wolf in sheep’s clothing to discuss. Actually, I say that but there are a few giveaways that all is not normal from the get-go here.
The gargantuan RS grille, for example, is not exactly that of a quaking, shaking, shrinking violet. It’s more like the open mouth of a blue whale, there to scoop up as much plankton as dare get in its way.
And the huge rear spoiler rings similar alarm bells. (This is a free option! Available in two sizes: absolutely huge; or if that’s still too small, how about life-size Airbus?)

The Jaguar XFR-S comes in five colours including Italian racing red or French racing blue (note: no British racing green)

Supremely ridiculous, although not merely for show, my friends. Jaguar is quick to point out that maximum downforce is improved by almost 70 per cent over this car’s nearest evolution. Ergo, check your head for a flat spot post-test drive, if you have the bottle to put your foot down.

I would tell you more about the interior (carbon, leather, a few fancy bits of embroidery and a chunky steering wheel teetering on the brink of obese), but that’s not what this car’s about.
I could also tell you that it comes in five colours including Italian racing red or French racing blue (note: no British racing green) but it’s not about that, either.
Nor is it about the sexy retro-style air vents on the bonnet or the fat rear tyres that resemble portly bouncers at a sticky floored town centre nightclub. It’s all there in the mix, but it’s not the main event.
Power, power and more power is the XFR-S’s calling card. There is simply oodles of the stuff.

The sexy retro-style air vents on the bonnet (left) and the fat rear tyres are all there in the mix, but they're not the main event

The bizarre thing is, out of the last ten review cars I have driven, this very same engine has been in no less three of them: the F Type, the Range Rover Sport and now this one.
Yet for some reason this time around it far outshines the last two.

Limited to 186mph (although I’ve no idea why, as this is still a jaw-dropping 116mph ‘over’ the speed limit) with a 0-60mph time of just over four seconds and tons (640lb!) of torque, there’s plenty to put even the most paranoid mid-life crisis back in its box till after the weekend.
That said, you wouldn’t really want to feel the full burn of this beast anywhere but on a track, where there’s plenty of room and nothing coming in the opposite direction as you slip and slide its audacious rear end around to your heart’s content.
And don’t worry about overcooking it, as there’s heaps of red-face insurance available with Jaguar’s correcting hand of god on call – as long as you keep at least some of the traction-control settings switched on.

Fill your boots and drive it like you stole it. But don't come running to me for a new set of tyres on Monday morning

 

  By all means go ahead and turn everything off.

Fill your boots and drive it like you stole it. But don’t come running to me for a new set of tyres on Monday morning.
Everyone is comparing this Jag with the likes of the BMW M5, and particularly the Mercedes E63, which feels and looks more expensive but is in fact (shock horror) cheaper.
The thing is, in the Merc you still feel like a half-sensible middle-aged dad who’s just been a bit naughty and flicked the ‘fun’ switch, whereas in the Jag you feel like your own dad might be around to give you a roasting when you finally arrive home very late, covered in love bites.
I’d take the latter, primarily because I’d love to see my dad once more, but then again I’d have to fess up to having become a DJ, so maybe not.
Oh, and one more thing.
The expression, ‘we’re gonna need a considerably bigger fuel tank’ may well become the new mantra of all future XFR-S owners.
But then again if you can afford eighty grand for what is essentially a go-faster Ford Mondeo look-alike on steroids, something so trifling as that isn’t going to worry you. Is it ?

 

Watch the Jaguar XFR-S in action

TECH SPEC

£79,995, jaguar.co.uk
Engine 5.0-litre V8
Transmission Eight-speed automatic
Power 550hp
0-60mph 4.4 seconds
Top speed 186mph
Fuel consumption 16.7mpg
C0² emissions 270g/km (£490/year tax band)

AND THE VERDICT?

‘Power, power and more power is the Jag’s calling card. There is oodles of the stuff’

DRIVE TALKING

WHAT'S HOT ON THE ROAD THIS WEEK

With Nick Bagot

SEEING DOUBLE

Mazda is expanding its popular CX-5 range to include two new spec levels. The SE-L Lux adds sunroof, leather seat and heated front seats for £24,495 and the SE-L Lux Nav also comes with – you guessed it – a built-in sat-nav for £25,195. Both compact SUVs are powered by a 2.2-litre diesel engine, which Mazda claims is good for 61.4mpg, and are on sale now.

CRISIS? WHAT CRISIS?

Britain might not be booming, but it’s certainly vrooming. Over 400,000 new cars were registered in September, the highest monthly total since March 2008. As ever, the Ford Fiesta is Britain’s most popular motor, with nearly 100,000 new models on the road this year so far. But spare a thought for the manufacturer at the other end of the table, Proton, which shifted just three new models off its forecourts.

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